Relationships can be tricky. Whether it's with a partner, a friend, or a family member, navigating emotions, conflicts, and differing expectations is never easy. Sometimes, we find ourselves falling into repetitive, frustrating patterns that leave us feeling stuck. If this sounds familiar, it's worth exploring two powerful models: Karpman's Drama Triangle and Choy's Winner's Triangle. These frameworks can provide insights into how we interact with others and offer practical tools to shift unhealthy dynamics.

The Drama Triangle: A Cycle of Conflict

First introduced by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the Drama Triangle outlines three roles that people commonly take on during conflict: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. These roles tend to feed into each other, creating a cycle that keeps conflict alive, rather than resolving it.

  • Victim: The Victim feels helpless, powerless, and often blames others for their problems. They tend to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or emotions.

  • Persecutor: The Persecutor blames, criticises, and sometimes even punishes others. They hold a dominant position in the triangle, pointing fingers and making the Victim feel worse.

  • Rescuer: The Rescuer steps in to "save" the Victim, often without being asked. Their help may seem altruistic, but it often reinforces the Victim's helplessness and allows the Rescuer to feel needed.

In relationships, these roles can become deeply ingrained. A common scenario might be a partner playing the Victim, blaming the other for their unhappiness. The other partner might step into the Persecutor role by criticising or controlling the situation, while a well-meaning friend or family member could jump in as the Rescuer, trying to mediate or “fix” things. The problem is, no one escapes the triangle unscathed — all three roles feed the conflict, keeping it alive.

The Winner's Triangle: A Way Out

Thankfully, there's a healthier alternative to the Drama Triangle: the Winner's Triangle, developed by Acey Choy in 1990. The Winner's Triangle shifts the dynamics by transforming the three roles into healthier, more constructive alternatives:

  • Vulnerable: Instead of playing the Victim, the individual acknowledges their vulnerability and asks for help when needed. They take responsibility for their emotions and actions, without feeling powerless.

  • Assertive: In place of the Persecutor, the person becomes assertive. Rather than blaming or controlling, they communicate their needs directly and respectfully, without resorting to criticism or anger.

  • Caring: The Rescuer becomes a caring individual, offering support without trying to “fix” the other person. This role encourages empathy and understanding, without reinforcing dependency.

The Winner's Triangle is a game-changer for relationships because it encourages personal responsibility and healthy boundaries. Instead of getting stuck in unproductive cycles, individuals in relationships can shift to these more constructive roles, fostering better communication and mutual respect.

How These Models Work in Real Life

Let's take an example of a couple stuck in a Drama Triangle. Imagine one partner constantly feels unappreciated and takes on the Victim role, frequently complaining that their efforts aren't acknowledged. The other partner, tired of the complaints, assumes the Persecutor role, criticising the first partner for being "needy" or "demanding." The conflict escalates, leaving both feeling resentful and disconnected. If a friend or family member tries to intervene, they may slip into the Rescuer role, which temporarily calms the situation but doesn't solve the underlying issues.

By applying the Winner's Triangle, the dynamic could shift. The partner feeling unappreciated could express their feelings from a place of vulnerability: "I feel like my efforts aren't being noticed, and that makes me feel disconnected from you." This shifts the focus from blame to an honest expression of feelings. The other partner, instead of criticising, could respond assertively: "I hear what you're saying, and I realise I've been distracted lately. Let's talk about how we can both feel more connected." By acknowledging each other's feelings and needs without falling into blame or defensiveness, the couple can begin to work through their issues constructively.

Practical Applications in Everyday Relationships

The beauty of the Drama Triangle and the Winner's Triangle is that they apply to all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. You might notice these dynamics playing out with friends, family members, or colleagues. Once you're aware of the roles, it becomes easier to identify them and make conscious choices to step out of unhealthy patterns.

For example, if you find yourself frequently playing the Rescuer in friendships — always stepping in to solve someone else's problems — you might shift towards being caring instead. This means offering support when needed but setting boundaries so you don't overextend yourself or reinforce dependency.

Similarly, if you recognise that you tend to act as the Persecutor in family conflicts, you could practice assertiveness. This involves expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, without resorting to blame or control.

Moving Towards Healthier Dynamics

No one is perfect, and we all slip into these roles at times. The key is recognising when it's happening and making an active choice to shift towards the healthier alternatives in the Winner's Triangle. This doesn't just benefit you — it benefits your relationships. When both parties take responsibility for their roles and emotions, conflict becomes an opportunity for growth rather than a cycle of frustration.

Incorporating the principles of Karpman's Drama Triangle and Choy's Winner's Triangle can lead to more fulfilling, harmonious relationships. By stepping out of the drama and into a space of vulnerability, assertiveness, and care, you open the door to deeper connections and more productive interactions.

The Importance of Relationship Counselling

While understanding these dynamics is a crucial first step, many couples find that breaking these patterns requires more than just insight. This is where professional relationship counselling comes in. Seeking professional help allows couples to address the root causes of their conflict in a structured and supportive environment. Counselling provides the tools to understand and shift out of these roles, but it also offers the space for each partner to express their emotions safely and constructively.

Relationship counselling helps couples become aware of their patterns, including how often they might slip into the roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer. Through guided therapy, couples can explore how these dynamics are playing out in their relationship and learn to replace them with healthier ways of interacting. The counsellor acts as a neutral third party, helping both individuals gain clarity on their feelings and facilitating communication that leads to mutual understanding and empathy.

Couples counselling is not only for those on the brink of separation or divorce. Seeking help early on, when conflicts are still manageable, can prevent deeper resentment from taking root. It helps couples build the skills they need to navigate challenges and resolve issues before they escalate. In many cases, therapy brings couples closer, fostering deeper emotional intimacy and better communication skills that benefit the relationship long term.

Anxiety and Depression's Impact on Relationships

Mental health plays a significant role in the dynamics of any relationship. Anxiety and depression, in particular, can heavily influence how individuals engage with each other. When one or both partners are struggling with anxiety or depression, it often exacerbates the patterns outlined in the Drama Triangle. A partner dealing with anxiety may more easily slip into the Victim role, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. On the other hand, a partner with depression may withdraw emotionally, leaving the other feeling like they need to take on the Rescuer role, which can lead to exhaustion and frustration.

Anxiety can cause individuals to become overly concerned with pleasing their partner or avoiding conflict, which might lead them to suppress their own needs. In contrast, depression can create feelings of isolation or unworthiness, leading a person to disengage from the relationship altogether. This emotional distance can then trigger the other partner to step into the Persecutor role, criticising their partner for not being emotionally present or contributing to the relationship.

In relationship counselling, anxiety and depression are treated with care, recognising the significant influence they have on communication and interaction patterns. Couples are supported in learning how to navigate these mental health challenges together, with empathy and understanding, rather than falling into blame or frustration. Therapy offers a space for both partners to openly discuss how mental health affects their relationship, while also providing strategies to manage it.

Ultimately, the combination of recognising these roles and addressing the mental health aspects of a relationship can lead to stronger, more resilient partnerships. By working through these issues in counselling, couples can create healthier patterns of interaction and deepen their connection and well-being.